Gluttony isn't a sin, dear readers. It's a privilege. Take a look at the starving children in Africa; don't you just feel so unnerved? We, the Americans, can drive our car around the block to pick up some Little Debbie cakes, cheese-filled pretzels, or chocolate-covered bacon. Delicious. This gluttony lead us to obesity - why, we're the number one in the world! We love to see the smiling faces of babies stuffed full of mashed potatoes and fried chicken bits.
We're dying at 35 of heart attacks and clogged up arteries, but that doesn't have to be a bad thing. If 2/3 of the nation were to be overweight or obese, think of all the early deaths. Imagine the population reduction! There would be virtually no elderly, no medicare to pay for, no helping immobile life-suckers across the street. Less children would be born, more happiness would ensue, and we'd all be able to eat as much as we want, whenever we want. No more lines in the McDonald's drive-thru, and they may even give the last 64-ounces of McFlurry all to you if you're there in time for closing.
Think of the chains and corporations that devote their loving careers to your satisfying diet. Now, imagine how many more shops will open up to tailor directly toward your needs. Imagine the jobs! Imagine the pay! We'll all be working for a better nation, finally a national food identity! Every sort of restaurant would be within your sight at all times, all of the people would be employed to the company they love. No more homeless people begging for the last bite of your Kentucky fried chicken, no more tax money to the homeless shelters. How wonderful would life be? We must manipulate this privilege of gluttony to the fullest potential; we must eat.
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