LATE How-To Post

Welcome, ladies and gentleman.  Gather 'round, because class is in session.  What class, you may ask?  Well that, my friends, would be Diplomacy 101.


No, my skill in question is not settling international arms disputes.  That would be silly.  I'm talking day-to-day diplomacy here.  Specifically, defusing a situation between two arguing parties.  Now, many of my peers at school have not seen my exercise this skill, but I do possess it, so bear with me on this one.

Now, first we have third-party mediating.  As a rule, this one is the more difficult, as you can easily be misconstrued as taking someone's side.  The most important and obvious, and most overlooked, step, is to ACTUALLY GET ALL THE DETAILS.  Make sure its an actual argument, not just a debate.  You'd be surprised how many people try to mediate based on what of the "argument" they hear.  If it's truly an nasty argument, inject yourself.  Tell them to pause the argument, and ask them to explain the situation.  Try to get them to talk one at a time.  Once you've heard both sides, ask them to step back and assess the argument.  Ask if the issue at hand is really worth the level of viciousness they were using.  If they both think it is, it's time to whip out the pathos card.  They've spent the whole argument saying what they think.  Now each party explain to the other how the issue at hand makes them feel.  You can't sympathize with someone if all you hear from them is stubborn opinions and insults.  It's easier to relate to someone if you get to see why they cared enough to start this argument.  After that has been shared, ask if each party if they have anything that they can concede to the other.  It may just be a small, insignificant detail in the argument, but that can help start the bridge across the gap.  At this point in the process... withdraw.  A mediator should only do so much, and you have to know when to quit.  Another key is to know when you are not wanted.  If at any point in the process, someone turns to you and says "Just f*** off, okay?!", then maybe you should.  Go get someone who is a friend of both people to fill in for you.  It's important that you don't force your mediation, or you may just make matters worse.

That's my method.  Different people have different methods of mediation, so if you have found a way that works for you, feel free to disregard this.  But if one day you find two of your friends wrapped up in a bitter argument, and you have no idea what to do about it... try mediating like I just described.  It's worked for me in the past.  It may just work for you.