How to embarrass yourself in public

I always thought I lacked talent in every way possible; my mom can tell you the difference between federal blue and midnight blue, my dad can play an entire song by ear after one listen, and my brother can procrastinate better than anyone else out there. Don't even try to challenge him.

For years, I felt as if I was left out in the dark, naked without an ubiquitous talent. However, that is now a thought of the past. High school has shown me that I am, indeed, a talented woman when it comes to embarrassment and awkwardness. If there's an off chance you think I'm super rad and want to emulate my existence, here's a how to on being the most embarrassing version of yourself that you can manage (or, at least, that I managed.)

1. Wear shoes that have no traction so you can freely slip on the school floors when it's raining. Do not make eye contact with Mrs. Barbour when you fall outside of her office.
2. Forget traffic rules and decisively stand at the crosswalk outside, taking minutes to decide if you're really supposed to go or not. Acquire several honks and loud yells in the process.
3. Become comfortable with making the most unattractive faces possible, then unknowingly make said faces at teachers during lectures.
4. Go through puberty 24/7 and let your voice crack in every conversation.
5. Accidentally bump into bands of ferocious African-American women in the hallways and enjoy the pursuing shouts of harassment. 
6. Slip on dog puke in your bathing suit, break your elbow, and have your grandfather and his business partner dress you and get you to the hospital. 
7. Mispronounce your own name during a meeting with administration at a college you're interested in going to.
8. Plead for the man across the gas pump to pump your gas for you because your father never taught you how.
9. Set an off-putting R&B tune as your ringtone and let your phone ring persistently during class. Don't worry, the only people that call you are numbers that have your cell phone after you participated in a Grassroots campaign. All they want to do is constantly tell you that they'll never vote for Barack Obama, even after the November election.
10. Order vegetable fajitas at a Mexican restaurant, then proceed to run into the waiter on your way to the bathroom. Embrace the grease stains that will magically appear all over your shirt, pants, and shoes. Wear your third degree burns as badges.