This
Damn
Year
My
god.
In three words I would describe
this year as
“wihdihwhdriweghf8uegfh”
“????”
and
“no”
About sums up the range of
emotions I’ve had.
No, but let’s talk about it
seriously.
It’s been a roller coaster, and
yet looking back on the whole it hasn’t been as tumultuous as it probably felt when I was in the midst of some
of its more trying moments. Still, I can’t help thinking about how funny it is
that vulnerable little me on the night before school began had no clue what was
about to happen, and how I wish I could have at least told her to prepare
herself. This year has almost felt like
taking a shot: short, painful, leaving behind numbness, but in the grand scheme
perhaps beneficial. Time will tell, I guess. The personal and academic pressure
has certainly robbed me of sleep and of sanity, but it remains to be seen
whether or not it was all for the better.
I have made a lot of mistakes. If
I am being honest, this year has felt like mistake after mistake after mistake.
I have accumulated my fair share of failure: failure in developing good
character, failure in doing well academically, failures in maintaining interpersonal
relationships, failure in maintaining my own health, failure to do my best. It has been discouraging. But perhaps I can
salvage something from all of that. Perhaps change will come after I have had
time to reflect on my mistakes.
In the summer, I need to do
something to improve myself and try to move forward. I have woken up after the events this year. I
need to change, and I need to grow up. I
need to learn how to steer my life in a different direction, because it’s been
going the wrong way for a long, long while. I have made baby steps toward
improving my life already, but so many closeted problems that I have failed to
deal with remain that I feel a little – a lot – lost as to where I’m going in
my future. I know I’m meant to say I have clear goals, but really the map has
been so muddled for me that I’ve hidden it away and tried to forget about it;
and yet now I know I have to look at it, and begin figuring out what I’m going
to do from here on out.
What senior year will be like…I
don’t know. But I have to take control of it this time and not let it pass me
by as I have done with other school years. I don’t want a repeat of this year.
I couldn’t take it. I would fall over. I’m trying to make it to college
relatively unscathed. But if anything is going to change I have to get rid of
the lingering poisons of my personality: suspicion, distrust, resentment, and
hopelessness.
There isn’t much else to say. My
most fervent hopes are that those who have had patience with me will continue
to do so and that they will stay by my side despite my mistakes.
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