i dont even know

Writing Territories

Fears – never being adequate, saying the wrong thing, having no control over the future, never being able to change, some other adolescent stuff etc etc etc

Annoyances – having to make conversation when I just plain don’t feel like it/have nothing notable to say

Accomplishments – longest running time for accomplishing nothing with my life. Going on 16 years. I deserve an award.

Confusions – why can’t I get anything done

Sorrows – caring what other people think, feeling like my actions are being scrutinized

Dreams – to get out of my head and do something unrepayable for someone else/to acquire the superpower of not giving a damn/stop saying “I don’t even know” as a conversation substitute

Idiosyncrasies – I swear an unladylike amount

Risks – letting the future take its own course

Beloved Possessions, Now and Then – video games then, video games now

Problems – I haven’t done any homework all day today.

I really just do not want to give a damn about anything, ever. Not in a way where I stop showering and just eat whatever the hell I want because I just don’t even give a damn if I’m gross (not that I don’t prefer that lifestyle, but I’m going to have to become acquainted with the opposite sex one day, so y’know, I sort of have to), but in the way that I don’t have a filter on my mouth trying to make everything I say sound socially acceptable and polite. Those odd moments where I’m like oh what the hell and just start saying whatever I want regardless of how it sounds are the times when I get odd looks and the feeling that I’m not following social decorum. But I don’t want to follow social decorum. I want to not give a damn. It’s silly, because the people I know in high school will be the least pertinent to my overall life than anybody else I will ever know. But still I persist in trying to be socially acceptable. And yet I realize that this way of living is making my life dull. I look at people who do whatever they want and envy them because they just don’t even have the capacity to give a damn. Seriously, please teach me. Because I hate caring about stuff. It’s so lame. I just want to do whatever I want all the time and be ugly on the days when I feel like it and ugh I don't know