I am sorry

Soundtrack: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TUzxq9-2bBk

Fears

I possess the rather common fear of imposing among people I look up to. I fear that my life will amount to nothing. I fear that I will choose the “wrong” path, and alter the course of my happy life. I fear that I am unattractive, and I fear sharks. I fear that I disappoint people, and I fear that I am unintelligent. These are pathetic qualities of mine, and sometimes I wallow in them.

Annoyances

It irks me quite a bit when people accuse me of being a “pothead” or one of that crowd. These accusations are spurred, I suppose, by my oddness and crude humor. This bothers me because people of that genre, if you will, tend to be seen as lazy, stupid “yeah, man” punks. I do not subscribe to the philosophy of altering your mind to escape pain, or go numb. I crave knowledge, and do not like my thoughts to be muddled even further into incoherence. I also hate it when people do things that bother me about myself.

It annoys me when people make themselves into martyrs.

Accomplishments

I can swallow my pride, and just work at something. I can take control in chaos.

Confusions

Confused about the kind of persona I would like to establish. Confused about my future, and my knees.

Sorrows

I am sorry for hurting people. I am sorry for being selfish, and for the selfish things I do. I am sorry because most of the hate I harbor is born from jealousy.

Dreams

Being respected as a musician, having that feeling. Having created something beautiful and solid.

Idiosyncrasies

If I touch something with one hand, sometimes I have to touch it with the other hand to… even the score? I can convince myself of anything negative. “If you don’t make your alarm clock number even, tomorrow you will die.” Etc.

Risks

Eating fire. I only take risks after very extensively calculating and weighing the possible consequences. I still take chances with my life, but they are never rash, as they may seem to the outside eye.

Beloved Possessions, Now and Then

Then- stuffed dog, “Black Silk”

Now- My real dog, my hair (to hide behind).

Problems

I’m hypocritical and hypercritical. I am very sensitive and jealous.