trippy

Oh no. A creativity blog. This is gonna blow.

Someone on another planet in the universe right now is looking up at their local moon and wondering if there’s any other creatures in the universe who are doing the same thing. Someone in the universe is calculating the odds of sentient life living on another planet, positing an environment like earth’s to be the ideal condition for life’s growth, entirely unaware of the planet whose inhabitants call the rock they live on “Earth” and speculate as to whether there may be sentient beings elsewhere calculating the odds of a rock like earth with inhabiting a planet similar to earth. Dunno what I just typed but if you read it slowly it might make sense. Someone on another planet, entirely inhuman but with the mental capacity similar to a human’s, is worshiping the god of his or her culture, positing him or her to be the creator of the universe and not considering that intelligent beings on a planet billions of light-years away have their own versions of such a god. Not to get geeky, but the universe is infinite in expanse, and given the nearly infinitely large range of events that could occur at any given time, it’s more than likely that some social, intelligent beings on other planets have evolved and possess their own varieties of culture and their own kinds of social conflict. They have their own scientists who have discovered things about the universe that might completely overturn everything we think we know about it. 

And right now, there is probably some lonely youth staring out the window at a sky that’s not blue and wondering what to believe about the world they live in.

This is why I’m not paid to write.

Late:Bucket List

There are so many things to do and experience and achieve on this earth that it is impossible to do everything, and what I find even more impossible is to decide on which of these experiences, actions, and achievements to add to my bucket list. I also don't want to confuse my goals with my bucket list. Goals are things that you believe are very possibly achievable through hard work and following the right steps. With goals we also tend to become upset when we don't achieve them. A bucket list should be things you kind of happen upon, a spontaneous opportunity, a lucky chance, something you've never done before, and never dreamt of doing. This being said I do not have a bucket list. I do not wish to do anything before I die but to live, and within that act of living I only hope to stumble upon interesting inspiring people, unimaginable opportunities, and impossible feats.

Someone

Right now, someone is writing an english blog. Right now, someone is watching Modern Family with the volume up too loud, so no one can concentrate. Right now, someone is in the kitchen preparing a nice meal for the oh-so-typical American family to have their oh-so-typical Sunday night family dinner. Right now, someone is rollerblading--in the house. Right now, someone is having an interview for an investment magazine. Right now, someone just fell from rollerblading. Right now, someone is lounging on the couch. Right now, someone is drinking wine. Right now, someone is listening to Iron and Wine. Right now, someone is coming down with strep throat. Right now, someone is recording the Oscars program for tonight. Right now, someone just pulled into a driveway. Right now, an oven timer went off. Right now, someone's kitchen smells delicious. Right now, someone spilt water all over their lap. Right now, someone's dog will not stop barking. Right now, someone is tired. Right now, someone is hungry. Right now, someone is finishing an English blog.

Why can't I be a shark and sleep while swimming.

Right now, I am very, very, very tired, and at a complete loss as to what I should write about. I guess I'll write about how exhausted I am.

I went to bed really early last night because of how tired I was, and when I woke up I was tired. Now I'm tired again. I've spent the last twenty minutes just sitting and zoning out and considering what in the world I should write about for this blog post because I have no idea and wow, sleep sounds great right now. I could take a nap, technically, but naps don't sit well with me. I always wake up really disoriented and confused. Plus, my bed is still unmade, and I have yet to change the linens. I'm too tired to put new ones on, and sleeping on a completely sheets-free bed is uncomfortable. I can't fall asleep easily when I'm just taking a nap, because I'm always worrying about how quickly I'm going to fall asleep. I think to myself, 'okay, a half hour nap is a decent-sized nap, let's do this.' But then as I'm laying there I just stay awake and awake and awake and by then a half hour's already passed and it's all just confusing and frustrating and I don't even know.

I don't like naps, but I really just wanna sleep. But it's way too early for bed and I'm gonna be eating dinner in a little over an hour. Plus, I'm expected to go socialize with my brother and sister-in-law. I don't know what I want to do other than sleep.

This blog post sucks.

God, I am so tired.

Less sad

Gosh these are all so depressing!

Somewhere in the universe at this very moment, someone just bought the winning lottery ticket. A future president was just born. The plan for a time machine was just thought. The next Pulitzer Prize winning book was just finished. Someone just made a YouTube video or a meme that could go viral next month or next year. Someone was just forgiven. Someone just gave to charity. Someone is proud of themselves. Someone just finished A Dance with Dragons. George R.R. Martin just killed a main character. Someone just saw The Godfather for the first time. Someone looks beautiful. Someone looks handsome. Someone just got married. Someone just found peace. Someone just found a dollar in their pocket. Someone just put on pants right after they've been ironed. Someone was just saved. Someone just got a job. Someone decided not to have a corny ending to his blog post by saying someone just finished a blog post (which someone thought was going to happen). Someone just laughed. Maybe not you, but someone. Someone is happy, and someone is happy that someone else is happy, and someone just thought that it would be nice if more people were like that. 

Lauren Stigers Right Now

Right now, someone is having a baby. Someone just died. In the time it takes me to type this blog post, many people will die, and many will be born. Someone will get married. Someone will get shot. Some people are having the best day of their life, while other may be having a worst. I will sit in my room, a warm room with heating, watching gossip girl and on the computer, while other people are freezing with nothing to eat or drink. Is someone doing the same thing as me? How many people are getting married? One moment can change someone's life forever, and it's really sad to think that someone in this world is in pain or depressed or crying their eyes out right now. I wish that all the starving kids in this universe at this time could get something to eat and be okay now. Someone was just told that they have cancer. Their world was just turned upside down. Maybe they just have a few months or weeks to live. Yet here we are upset about our miniscule problems when people have far worse ones. Just think about all the bad things that people are going through right now. Stop for a second and be thankful for what you have because at this moment, people are going through far worse things.

LATE Advice Post

The best piece of advice I ever received isn't some deep thing about character.  It isn't a way to conduct my life, or make friends, or even a trick to doing some essential task more efficiently.  No, the best piece of advice I ever received in my life was when someone (can't remember who) reminded me that I should stretch before running.

Now, to a lot of people, that may seem glaringly obvious.  But keep in mind that I've spent most of my life ridin' solo.  People don't tell me how to do things; I figure stuff out on my own.  So I never would have thought that loosening up my legs would make it easier to run.  I didn't really ever run that much before I figured it out.  It was no fun.  I'd make it a couple blocks and then my legs would say "NOPE" and stop working.  I assumed it was because I was out of shape, and just hated myself.  Yet no matter how hard I tried, I remained "out of shape."  It really sucked.  Then one day, as I was heading out on another hopeless drive to get "in shape," something clicked in mah brain.  I remembered that someone said I should stretch before exercising.  So... I did.  Stretched it out, feelin' good, ready to roll.  Then I ended up running FRICKIN TWO MILES, almost effortlessly!  After getting over feeling really stupid that I didn't think of this earlier, I was really happy that I was actually in decent shape after all.  Now I'm running in 5Ks and such, and having a lot of fun doing it.  I've found another thing that I really enjoy, all because someone once gave me the glaringly obvious piece of advice to stretch before running.

Connor out~

LATE How-To Post

Welcome, ladies and gentleman.  Gather 'round, because class is in session.  What class, you may ask?  Well that, my friends, would be Diplomacy 101.


No, my skill in question is not settling international arms disputes.  That would be silly.  I'm talking day-to-day diplomacy here.  Specifically, defusing a situation between two arguing parties.  Now, many of my peers at school have not seen my exercise this skill, but I do possess it, so bear with me on this one.

Now, first we have third-party mediating.  As a rule, this one is the more difficult, as you can easily be misconstrued as taking someone's side.  The most important and obvious, and most overlooked, step, is to ACTUALLY GET ALL THE DETAILS.  Make sure its an actual argument, not just a debate.  You'd be surprised how many people try to mediate based on what of the "argument" they hear.  If it's truly an nasty argument, inject yourself.  Tell them to pause the argument, and ask them to explain the situation.  Try to get them to talk one at a time.  Once you've heard both sides, ask them to step back and assess the argument.  Ask if the issue at hand is really worth the level of viciousness they were using.  If they both think it is, it's time to whip out the pathos card.  They've spent the whole argument saying what they think.  Now each party explain to the other how the issue at hand makes them feel.  You can't sympathize with someone if all you hear from them is stubborn opinions and insults.  It's easier to relate to someone if you get to see why they cared enough to start this argument.  After that has been shared, ask if each party if they have anything that they can concede to the other.  It may just be a small, insignificant detail in the argument, but that can help start the bridge across the gap.  At this point in the process... withdraw.  A mediator should only do so much, and you have to know when to quit.  Another key is to know when you are not wanted.  If at any point in the process, someone turns to you and says "Just f*** off, okay?!", then maybe you should.  Go get someone who is a friend of both people to fill in for you.  It's important that you don't force your mediation, or you may just make matters worse.

That's my method.  Different people have different methods of mediation, so if you have found a way that works for you, feel free to disregard this.  But if one day you find two of your friends wrapped up in a bitter argument, and you have no idea what to do about it... try mediating like I just described.  It's worked for me in the past.  It may just work for you.

AT THIS EXACT SECOND...

...SOMEWHERE IN THE UNIVERSE...


...I am clipping my toenails while listening to hardstyle.  Yep.  I bet most people are gonna do some sort of depressing social justice post, saying that right now some little kid in Kenya just died of starvation.  Or maybe people are gonna write about how somewhere in the universe, some star is being born, some form of live coming into existence, or something else like that, all full of sickening and probably-not-genuine awe and wonderment.

Not I.  I care not for such matters.  If a kid just died, oh well.  I'll let UNICEF handle that one.  If some star I will never see is being born (I'll never see it unless it is within 70 or 80 lightyears, that is), that doesn't affect me, so I don't care.  What I do care about is the state of my toenails.  Aw man.  They be ratchet, yo.  All raggedy and jagged and hangnail-y and get-caught-in-my-sock-y and just generally disgusting and gross.  But no longer.  Because at this exact second, I am trimming these mofos.  For example, between typing this sentence and the last, I finished the left foot and moved onto the right.  Fun fact: the big toenail is always the hardest to clip.  It's all thick and junk.

And how 'bout that hardstyle?  Got my iHome right over here, blasting out sick pony-themed beats.  Yeah, I know.  It's brony music.  But that don't mean it can't be good!  The current song is Spin That Record Vinyl Scratch, while the previous was KeepOnRockin's Remix of Avast Fluttershy's A**.  And right now my heart is broken because I just discovered that KeepOnRockin' closed his YouTube account, so I can't link that second song for your listening pleasure.  Oh well.  What I can link is the song that it switched too while I was looking for those links, Legend of Equestria.  Great fun all around.

And now my toenails are finished.  All nice and short and neat.  What a relief.  Now I'm opening a new tab to check to Tumblr.  What a fun and exciting way to spend a Saturday night!



...I'm so alone...

Right Now..

Right now, somewhere in the universe, there is someone doing the exact same thing as I am.

There's got to be a girl out there, right at this very moment, wondering what to write about for her English assignment. There's got to be a girl out there drinking iced tea and listening to The Avett Brothers, probably wandering why she's listening to The Avett Brothers in the first place. There's got to be a girl out there who is trying to knit yet another scarf without it looking like an abstract psuedo-masterpiece. I know there's a girl out there who woke up this morning and wanted to surprise her mom, I know there's a girl out there who made pancakes this morning and almost caught the house on fire. There's a girl out there who highlights her own books so she can have a collection of words that mean something to her. There's a girl out there named Leah Pederson (I know this for a fact, I friended her on Facebook in the creepiest manner possible) and she has blonde hair and green eyes.

That's what I like about this world; I know that I'm never alone. I know, despite how it may feel at times, I'm not the only one. Someone else knows exactly of the things that I know of without ever having to know me. I like that.

how to never give a #@$! and a half about anything.

I’ll admit I’m not the most sharpened individual in the crayon box when it comes to talents. But I’ve really been practicing hard at this particular skill. They say that once you practice something for 10,000 hours, you become an expert at it. That means that you’d have to cultivate the equivalent of 417 days of practice to achieve expert status. Considering I’ve been training for this my whole life, I’d say I’m well-qualified to instruct others in this precise craft. I’ve developed the talent of becoming a duck and transforming everything that might potentially be a problem into water and consequently pouring it on my back. A few of the tips and tricks I used to completely stop giving a damn are outlined below.

1)      Decision making takes up a lot of time. I cut my decision-making processes down to a fourth of a second by simply replacing careful reasoning with a four-letter word preceding an ‘it.’ I find that it saves a lot of time and brainpower. And in the end, the decision still gets made! Try it.

2)      Recall that you will never see 90% of the people you met in high school again after you graduate. It thus becomes easy to disregard the people you feel need a bit of disregarding.

3)      If someone says something bad about you or to you, #2 is just as applicable. It helps to remember that one day after they and their loved ones die everyone will have already forgotten about them entirely. Their atoms will have gone off to make up something much cooler. This also applies to you, though, so maybe it’s not so useful after all.

4)      Go with your gut feeling. Advice is for cats.

5)      Remember the spotlight effect. Most people don’t pay as much attention as you think to both your successes and your failures. Even if you embarrass the hell out of yourself, chances are that most people will forget about it. Keep in mind that none of the people you embarrassed yourself in front of will be particularly relevant to you in a few years, anyway. And that your embarrassment really could have been quite worse.

Remember that damns are a form of fossil fuel. There are only so many damns left in the world. Save yours for a rainy day.

Bucket List- Evan Caldwell

High School
In high school I would like to graduate in the top 15% of my class, run a sub-18 minute 5K, Go to every Henry Clay soccer game for a season, learn to enjoy reading anything, win the Ultimate frisbee state tournament, and reach my ACT target score.

-The most important of this list is running a sub-18 minute 5K because It has been a goal of mine since i started running cross country in 8th grade. My fisrt time in a high school reace was a 20:33 and dropping three minutes would be a great accoplishment for me.

College
In college I would like to go to eventually live in an apartment, study abroad, earn a degree in Engineering or Communications, be employed at my school, and get a dog.

- Quite obviously, the most important one in this list is the degree, because it could dictate the rest of my life, which could be a bit important.

Life
Wife, kids, dog, house, and to attend a Virginia Tech Football game.
- in general, I don't like to set expectations and list all the crazy things I want to do in life as a whole, because then if I don't get to do them I fail. In this list, the most important is getting married, having a life partner sounds pretty rad, and it's all I truly feel I need to do in adulthood other than survive.

Advice

One of the best pieces of advice I've ever been given is to not be dazzled by someone who is good at something simply because they have been doing it for a long time. I feel like this is something that people forget these days because I often see people expressing amazement at someone's skill or knowledge as if it is some unattainable gift. Marveling at the skills of someone else is, in my opinion, unhealthy. That being said, don’t be dismissive and cynical and not admire someone’s dedication or perseverance, but keep in mind that you could probably do that too if you really wanted to. This mindset allows for a person to not feel inferior to another person simply because they do not know as much about a particular topic. Not less intelligent, just less knowledge, not less skillful, just less actual skills that could be acquired through similar hard work and dedication.

YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Man, this stuff is so wrong on so many freaking levels, yo... I was talking to one of my friends and he sent me 3 videos with the name only labeled 'Boku'. I said to this dude, 'What's this?'. He just giggled and said, 'Just watch them and make sure NOBODY IS AROUND WHEN YOU'RE WATCHING IT!' Then I thought it was some weird salacious materials or some strange stuff but as I watched the first video, I was like 'Yo... what the heck?' Then it continued and I was like 'Yooooooooo...'. Then they got in the freaking car and I was like YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I couldn't freaking believe what I just saw! It was like Satan gave me his adult video collection, the stuff was so disturbing. Yet I couldn't stop watching it! Then video two and it was two of them... those boys... yooooo... those dudes... and that girl saw them and then she... YOOOOOOOOOOOO! Then that dude took that dog toy and then YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! It was like your girlfriend wanted to do it with you but she wanted to do something different and it was so messed up and creepy, you... you just kept watching it... AND THAT'S WHAT I DID! Then I saw three... three of them... THREE!!!! It was... THREEEEEEEEEEEEE! And Coco was his name, man! COCO WAS HIS FREAKING NAME. OH MY GOD, I AIN'T GOING TO HEAVEN, GUYS. I ALREADY SOLD MY SOUL TO LUCIFER. So I just wanna tell you all right now... DON'T WATCH AN ANIME LABELED BOKU. DON'T DO IT, GUYS! IT'S LIKE SUCCUBUS. REMEMBER WHAT I'M SAYING TO YOU!

And that was the best advice I ever got.

Bucket list

Before I die I want to do anything that I possibly can to make me happy. Before I leave high school I would like to go skydiving with my friends, a huge roadtrip to florida or something like that. Skydiving would be my biggest priority because I would remember that moment forever and would allow me to remeber all of my friends and highschool memories. Before I leave college, I would like to go to a 3 day concert with my friends, leave the country for spring break. I would definately want to go out of the country for spring break, because not only would I like to see other countries and their cultures but also have an awesome time in a completely different country. But before I dide I would want to have a succesful life that I share with my own family, and be able to see my grandkids grow in this world.

BUCK-ETS! 38O

High School:

• Actually write a novel for my mentoring project.
• Do decently in AP Calc. (Decent being having above an 88 in the class and getting at least a 4 on the AP test.)
• Become the truly fashionable shark I so wish to be and get the clothes I really want to make myself consistently happy with my appearance.
• Not get a job at the place I worked at during the summer between 10th and 11th grade. I do NOT wanna work there ever again.

College:

• Do well in all my classes.
• Get at the very least a Masters in psychology.
• Write another novel??? I might need to get more educated before I can do that, though... we'll see.
• (Maybe) get a sick androgynous haircut. I've been told I have a really androgynous face, so it'd be neat to try and rock that sort of look for fun.
• Dye my hair lavender. Hell yes.

Life:

• Become a success (defined as being able to live off of my writing) as an author.
• Touch a boy's butt. Consentually, of course.
• Find the tallest apartment building in Houston and chill out on the roof.
• Buy a pair of pink steel-toed jackboots and kick a dude in the crotch. Gotta fight the patriarchy, yo.
• Become the sea dwelling princess I so aspire to be.

My number one high school priority is to write my freaking mentoring project novel. Seriously, if I don't get that thing finished, my mentoring project will have been a failure. Plus, it'll be a huge personal boost to be able to say that I've written a novel during high school, seeing as how someone I know has done that. I don't necessarily have to publish it, but that'd be rad.

My number one priority for college is to get my Masters in psych. That just. Yeah. That speaks for itself. Getting my Ph.D. in psych would be awesome, too. I'm just gonna need at least my Masters if I'm gonna wanna be able to use that degree to make money... which, hopefully I won't have to do, since writing (ideally) will be enough for me to live comfortably.

All I want to do in life is become a sea dwelling princess. That's literally all I want, I'm not even joking. I could even kill two birds with one stone and touch a boy's butt while being a sea dwelling princess. That'd be awesome.

Off the Record

Im sorry if you happen to chance upon this blog but id just like to let everybody out there know what an unbelievable badass Woodie Guthrie is. Woodie Guthrie is Christ. Woodie Guthrie is Tom Joad. Woodie Guthrie is America goddamn it. So much more america than anything else, too american. Woodie Guthrie is more America than America. He had the chance to be so much better than everybody else, to let his success elevate him. But he was too resolute, incorruptibly in favor of the working man. Guthrie would cry today, all of his people are dead, there's nobody left to fight for.

Instanticide

Someone somewhere right now, is committing the most vile and despicable act of instanticide. They have been granted, by some happy stroke of fate, the perfect moment. A moment that could never be recreated in a thousand years, not in Hephaestus' forge, not in the mind of Burroughs. Never. And this person, perhaps several people, unknowing of what they've chanced upon, kill this moment. All is laid bare before them, all raw and in relief. The world for this moment stops spinning, they are presented with this decision of cosmic significance. But they blew it. The balance was in their hands, they could rig the scales as they liked, they were in control for maybe one of the few instances in their life, and they couldn't do it.
It happens.
People choke.
 Sometimes a hose cant hose and sometimes a trap cant trap and sometimes a man, plain as it seems, cant seem to do what needs to be done. Imagine a world where not a single moment was ever stiffed, never a cue missed, never a box left unchecked. I personally cant, a world with such opportunity is out of my realm of handling. To get back what you've lost due to your own incompetence removes learning from this world.
So as terrible as this awful killing of the moment is, the alternative is quite a bit worse.

How to break it to people that you hate them

I dont hate a whole lot of people, at least not enough to make confrontation necessary. But if I really did  hate someone i would have to use a fairly orderly means of letting them know.
Step 1: start leaving pictures of mutilated animals under thier doormat at home, let the corner stick out so that theyll notice them and pick them up. if you have poor photography skills or lack photo paper, youd be just as well to leave the animals themselves.
Step 2: Start removing people from thier lives. At this point if you really hate this person you would have gone to the very reasonable lengths of finding out the information of everyone theyve ever come into contact with. Start with the perriferals, acqaintences and such then move into the family ranks. pretty soon youll have eliminated most everyone that this person has ever known.
Step 3: At the funeral of, say, the person's mother, calmly walk up to them as they sit alone at the proceedings (if youve done the job right there will be no-one left to attend a funeral). offer your hand, as if in condolence, then, with every amount of serentity possible, stare deep into thier crippled sould and say firmly "I Hate You".
Step 4: walk away cooly, leaving the perpetrator to cry quietly to themselfes in the shallow comfort of thier broken life
step 5: Eat their cat.

How to make people think you like them

The entire purpose here is to get out of a situation in which you are forced to interact with unappetizing folks, but maintain a feeling of friendliness. You want to be outta there, but you want them to feel unthreatened by your presence and unoffended by your escape.

disclaimer: I may or may not be good at this

1. Smile and make small talk. This is difficult if you are unsociable. Do it anyway. Most humans respond well to small talk. If you have to hit a speakeasy on the way over to loosen things up, DO IT.
2. Leave on a good note. Make a joke and duck out.
3. Leave a trail of gifts for pursuers to be distracted by.
4. Never tell anyone your real name

how to make a friend

I like meeting new people and friends, and here is a how to.
1. Put on a smile. No one wants to make a new friend with someone looking depressed. Be happy and the new person will want to know how to be as happy as you and have fun with you.
2. Walk up to the person. Crazy but you may have to be in proximity in order to make a friend, unless you want to make friends online. In this case, you can say some creepy online comment.
3. Complement the person on something. Everyone likes to be complimented, and this will start a conversation.
4. Introduce yourself. You may want the person to know your name..This step is pretty necessary.
5. Depending on what type of person you are or who you are talking to, either give the person a hug or shake their hand. I am more of a hug person, but some people are weirded out if a stranger hugs them, and some people do not like hand shakes, so in this case you can have a nice wave or smile to let them know you are nice.
6.YOU HAVE FRIENDS NOW, YAY! make a joke or be nice or talk about something you have in common with the person. If they had sports, do not talk about that with them. If they are more into school, have an educated talk with the person.
7.Try not to make your new friend upset, and now go have fun with your new friend!

That's Annoying

Coming from a family with three girls, life can be a little hectic at times. We are constantly in each other spaces, never sparing an argument. If you have siblings you would like to annoy (especially a sister), follow these few steps to succeed in irritating your fellow kin.

1) ALWAYS borrow their clothes. Do not ask to borrow it, just take it. It would be preferable if you take a few pictures sporting the attire, this way your sibling can see how much you enjoyed dirtying their clothes.

2) Leave the lights on, especially at night when they are trying to sleep. This will deprive them of the precious sleep they so desire which in return will create an irritated mood in the morning (BONUS!!)

3) Eat the last of everything. For example, if there is one delicious homemade cookie left in the jar, go head and dig in. They will be thrilled to know your taste buds had a field day while they were gone.

4) Take the longest shower possible, and make sure there is a little bit of hot water left. This way they can relish the shower for about 30 seconds before the icy cold water kills their good mood.

5) Continuously "suck up" to your parents while your sibling is around. This includes but isn't limited to commenting on how nice dinner was, bragging about that last A you received, asking how their day was when you know it was terrible, ect.

6) Limit your responses to one word. A fine example would be if you were asked how your game was, say "fine" and then walk away. Their response will be ideal, I promise you.

I could go on forever about sibling-annoyance tactics, but I will spare you the little time people seem to have these days. Feel free to personalize any of these steps in order to bother your brother or sister and/or add some of your own! Beware: responses will vary, so use at your own risk.

Happy pestering y'all.

Assignment 20: Right Now

At this very moment, somewhere in the universe...

Minimum of 150 words - due Sunday, March 3rd at 11:59 pm

I am going to devote the entirety of this blog to a "skill" I happen to be extremely gifted at: procrastination. Procrastination is, unfortunately, a natural tendency of mine, just as Earth has a natural tendency to revolve around the Sun and smokers have a natural tendency of developing lung cancer; it does not matter what the work consists of, whether it is a five page analytical essay requireing hours of arduous labor or a simple blog post such as the one I am writing at this very moment, I will do anyting to postpone the inevitable for a mere ten minutes more. While I am  not exactly proud of such an attribute, I must nonetheless admit that I have become an expert in the art of procrastination from years of experience. Using my extensive knowledge of procrastination gained through experience, I have generated the following step-by-step procedure as a guidelne for fellow procrastinators, so that we might find comraderie in our time management issues and learn to accept them with pride

1. The computer is a procrastinator's dream, for with it, the procrastinator has access to the Internet and therefore millions of distracting―yet unproductive―websites. As a result of the Internet, the typical procrastinator has at his fingertips the awesome ability to visit YouTube, for example, and embark on a "randoom video streak," which involves starting with a broad, general category of videos and then selecting related videos in the suggestion bar until the selected videos are totally unrelated to the original category of videos.
    

How to make a pb&j sandwich

many people consider creating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich an easy task, but i say nay. The art of making the perfect pb and j sandwich takes the proper technique. First off you have to choose the correct bread. Many people just decide to choose the closest and cheapest bread for this activity. what you want to do is buy  honey wheat bread and cut off the crusts. You then proceed to buy jiff extra crunchy peanut butter. you want to cascade the peanut butter on your bread, not in some crazy patterns like most kids do. Have the amount of peanut butter even throughout your bread. Continue to use welschs grape jelly, and again have it evenly spread throughout the mixture. If you are really up for a challenge, add another layer of jiffs extra crunchy peanut butter to the other slice of bread. To top it all of you must have a nice tall cold glass of milk to go along side it. You now have the recipe for the perfect PB&J sandwich. you are welcome. If you are allergic to peanut butter like me, don't try this at home.

How to get someone a great gift

I don't really know what would qualify as a gift-giving "expert," but I've given a fair amount of gifts that I'm pretty darn proud of. And hey, what is being an expert at something if not feeling proud of what you do with it? So without further ado, here's how you, too, can get somebody a present they'll never forget:

1. Throw out all the usual ideas. I'm looking at you guys who got your girlfriend or boyfriend flowers and a teddy bear for Valentine's Day. That stuff may put a smile on their face for now, but I guarantee as short as a month from now they won't remember what in the world you got them. They certainly won't remember if it was YOU that got them the carnations and chocolate, or if that was Bobby last year?
2. Know the person you're getting a gift for. The reason why the gifts I'm alluding to in part 1 are so awful is because they're not personalized. Even if society's moronic gender expectations tell them to, most girls don't love flowers. Like, maybe, but not love. They're not personally significant. Getting a great gift for someone means you need to know at the very least what their really deep interests and passions are: whether that be mountain biking, maps, Ocelots, 19th century backscratchers. Find that thing that they're into more than anyone else!
3. Know your own abilities. The common wisdom usually dictates that something handmade is always better than something bought. While that might be true, there are different things you can handmake - and quite frankly, if you don't have any handmaking-worthy talents or even adequacies, you might be better off buying something after all. That doesn't mean you can't be creative! But in getting a great gift, you have to know where to concentrate your efforts - Cameron's not gonna appreciate that 19th century backscratcher you handmade if it breaks before it ever gets used.
4. Combine a thing with an idea. In part 2 you might have come up with a thing, or an idea. If you're lucky, you came up with both. For example, Cameron's love of antique backscratchers gives you a thing. Julia's love of ocelots is more of an idea. The thing is the form your gift will take - the idea is the concept which makes that gift stand out. For a really simple example, I've made my friends shirts as gifts (using a bleaching method to create designs) on several occasions  The shirt is a really basic thing, one most people will at least be okay with. Each shirt also contained an idea (e.g. Legend of Zelda, foxes). Oftentimes the thing or the idea will be more prevalent or may even take over. Thats fine! For my shirts, the idea was definitely the focused element. Cameron's backscratcher may not even require an idea - he may simply love a genuine antique. That's all fine! Just make sure that whatever lack in one department is made up for in the other.
5. Make a list of options. This can be pretty informal. You might not even write it down! But you'll need some sort of short list of what your final gift should be. Perhaps you've decided on the form or the idea, and have several possibilities of the other element to pair it with. Perhaps you've just come up with so many brilliant ideas that you don't know which to implement! Have that list ready and keep it with you for the rest of the process. If something goes wrong, you can use something on the list as a backup.
6. Consult with others. I always find it useful, when planning a gift, to share my ideas with other friends or close family members of the recipient. Sharing the ideas sometimes allows you to flesh out your ideas more and discover things you hadn't considered, but more than anything it gives you a preview of how the idea would be received. I've yet to give a gift which the recipient's reaction was not almost perfectly predicted by their friends' reactions. Using these reactions, you can usually decide between the ideas you put on your short list in part 5.
7. Go price shopping. This might seem a bit late, but I find it helps most to do this later because step 6 can inform the prices you're willing to pay, or the efforts you're willing to put into a gift. If a gift is likely to only be received lukewarmly, it may not be worth sinking many resources into. On the other hand, if you have a real winner, it might help to go all out. As far as where to shop, this depends largely on what you're looking for, but one recommendation I'd make is Etsy.com. Etsy is a great website full of unique products, and you'll often find a quirky and cool take on an already awesome idea.
8. Be realistic about your resources. Sometimes it can be tempting, especially when you have an awesome idea, to spend loads of money on it. However, no matter how awesome the idea, you never want to run the risk of crashing yourself financially. Have a clear idea of what you can afford to spend, and understand that your friend won't fault you for skimping where necessary. One good strategy if you really really want a particular gift is to team up with a friend or two to get the gift. Splitting the cost, and credit, among two or three people will get the same awesome gift and avoid anybody having to break the bank too much.
9. Have it ready early, but not too early. I can say from experience that there are few things more frustrating and anxiety-inducing than rushing to finish a present just in time for the occasion  and even worse is when you don't have it ready in time. Just like most things in life, procrastination will get you nowhere here, and your future self will thank you if you get this done ASAP. On the other hand, don't try to get the gift planned and ready too fast. A great gift is a mighty exciting thing, and sometimes it can be tempting to spill the beans to the recipient or someone untrustworthy about what it is. But there is nothing more satisfying than the look of surprise when someone gets a great gift they never expected. So be realistic about your own self-restraint! If you can't keep a secret very well, don't put the thing together until perhaps a week or even less before the occasion. Just make there's still ample time to do it all right!
10. Present it with the same creativity you made it with. There's a few fun ways to approach the packaging of a gift. One is to go all out aesthetically. If you baked someone a cake, for example, put it in a box lined with lace and decorated with ribbons and the like. Another, my personal favorite, is the Surprise Package. This is where you make the gift seem that it'll be something else - perhaps by hiding it in an oversized box, or in a less-than-expensive secondary gift. I pulled this recently when I gave a friend of mine a certificate for her gift hidden in a kid's book. Finally, there's what I call the Use Ready Package, where you do all the work for the recipient so that the second they receive it they can put it to use. This can work particularly well with jewelry - by declining to present it in an actual box, you can place it right on their person, thus creating a fun surprise that will enhance the gift-receiving experience.

Looking back this all sounds very Martha Stewart. Oh well! I hope you find this guide useful, and get to see lots of huge grins and hear lots of screamed thanks in the future!

How to be fun

 How to be fun? This is a question that challenges people weekend after weekend, and yet despite this struggle, few have truly mastered this art. Many people claim to be fun, but many of those people fail to even grasp its complexity. Some say they are fun because they simply have fun often, which is, of course, a horrendous logical fallacy. A few hooligans have even made the suggestion that because they have access to copious alcoholic beverages, they are fun. Saying you are fun because you are frequently intoxicated is like hiring prostitutes and bragging about an active sex life. To be fun, one must learn to enjoy almost any situation, to find the humor in the mundane every day, to find genuine amusement in the most basic activities. This is no simple feat, one that requires years of practice, a stalwart attitude, a careful amount of satire, and, above all, an ability to be compassionate on a level most people don’t bother with during their day to day interactions. It is this level of interpersonal understanding that is truly required to find the wonderfully hilarious differences in people that make them so entertaining to watch and examine as they awkwardly clump through society. Once the joy of being fun is discovered, no witty side comment or role of the eyes or exasperated exhale will go unnoticed, as there is true enjoyment and entertainment to be found in these and all other human interactions.

How to

How to effectively teach a two year old dance class. This year I am a junior faculty member at my studio which means I am the top of the substitute list for all ages and I get to help teach classes. My favorite class to sub for is for sure the little kids. The most common question I get is what do you do with two year olds for half an hour? Well quite a lot actually. At the beginning of the year we were all given a CD full of kid friendly music. It is honestly some of the most annoy songs I have ever heard and the most catchy ones too. I often find myself singing them in my head when I am bored. With the little ones "Shake Your Sillies Out" is a big hit because they just get to jump around and do what they want then we dance to "Wake Up Toes" and basically you sit on the floor and pointe and flex your feet, its super challenging for some of them. Then we all go sit in a line at the side of the room and watch as our friends go across the room because we all take turns walking on our tippie toes or kicking across the floor. We also do lots of stretches, my favorite being butterfly because we go around and say what color our butterfly is and where we want to fly to. You also have to have a lot of patience and some of them are quite the chatter box and they will get mad at you if you don't listen to them. There is a tuesday class that I have taught a lot and they are my babies and every week they always have something new to tell me so they are the highlight of my week. They may be 2 but they are able to do a whole lot more than people think, you just have to be larger than life and act like everything you do is the most exciting thing you have ever done in your entire life.

How to cry over Striders.

Okay, so this is gonna be a totally self-indulgent rant that won't make sense to anybody who hasn't read Homestuck, and might not even make sense to them. I'm gonna do this in my natural whining-about-my-favorite-fictional-characters-ever style, so be prepared for a lot of keysmashes and capslocking and just plain awful.

You've been warned.

but just
OH MY GOD???? OH MY GOD MY BABIES MY FREAKING BABIES HOLY CRAP
OKAY OKAY OKAY SO
DAVES IDOLIZED BRO HIS ENTIRE LIFE RIGHT
AND HES EMULATED HIM AND HE ASPIRES TO BE LIKE HIM
AND HE DOESNT CONSIDER HIMSELF A HERO
HE THINKS HIS BRO IS
BUT HES NOT
BUT
NRGOUAGSDGLJKNASDFSOGSOHG
DIRK SAID THAT ALPHA DAVE WAS ONE OF THE MOST HEROIC FIGURES IN HUMAN HISTORY
SO DIRK SEES HIM AS A HERO BUT DAVE DOESNT THINK HE IS ONE
AND THATS JUST
SO UPSETTING BECAUSE DAVE
DAVE BABY YOU ARE A HERO
RGNAOURGUOANSDF AND DAVESPRITE HAD TO WATCH BRO DIE AND HE PROBABLY THINKS THAT ITS HIS FAULT AND BLAMES HIMSELF AND HE HAD TO GO BACK FOR HIS PENDANT
HE HAD TO GO BACK AND PICK HIS PENDANT UP OUT OF THE POOL OF BLOOD EMANATING FROM HIS BROTHERS MANGLED CORPSE - THE BROTHER HE HAD TO WITNESS GETTING KILLED AND WHOSE DEATH HE PROBABLY BLAMES HIMSELF FOR
AND IT STILL HAD BROS BLOOD ON IT AND HE BROKE UP WITH JADE AND JOHN IS MAD AT HIM AND HES JUST PROBABLY SO ALONE
AND BRO
BROOOOOOOOOO
BRO DID SO MUCH FOR DAVE HE DID EVERYTHING HE COULD TO KEEP DAVE SAFE UNTIL THE VERY END AND HE WAS PROBABLY JUST SO SO SO PROUD OF DAVE BUT DAVE NEVER KNEW WHAT IF DAVE NEVER EVEN KNEW THAT BRO LOVED HIM CUZ TEREZI ASKED DAVE IF HE LOVED BRO AND DAVE SAID NO AND ITS LIKE RGNOASDJKLGNRGOUNSADOUGNOUNSDFGUOF
AND YOU KNOW DAVE WAS UPSET OVER HIS DEATH YOU KNOW IT
AND HES GONNA MEET DIRK AND ITS GONNA BE WEIRD BECAUSE DIRK LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE HIS BROTHER BUT HES NOT BRO AND DIRKS GONNA EXPECT ALPHA DAVE AND DAVES GONNA EXPECT BRO AND THEYRE GONNA BE DISAPPOINTED BECAUSE THEYRE DIFFERENT AND JUST
GFOUASDGLJGNOUNSGUOGN
DIRK NEVER GOT TO MEET HIS BROTHER EITHER AND JUST
AUGHHHHHHH
AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
STRIDERSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
THIS IS SO FREAKING UPSETTING LIKE HOLY CRAP
IMAGINE BEING IN DAVES POSITION
OKAY SO YOUR BROTHERS DEAD AND YOU FEEL LIKE ITS YOUR FAULT AND YOU DONT CONSIDER YOURSELF A HERO AND YOU DONT EVEN KNOW IF HE WAS PROUD OF YOU OR LOVED YOU
AND THEN YOU SEE THIS GUY
WHOS LIKE YOUR BRO BUT NOT LIKE HIM
AND ALL YOU WANT IS YOUR BRO BACK NOT THIS FAKE BRO NOT THIS GUY WITH DIFFERENT FRIENDS AND MEMORIES AND A DIFFERENT LIFE WHO WANTS A DAVE THAT ISNT YOU
HE DOESNT KNOW YOU AND HE DOESNT REMEMBER YOU
AND YOUVE JUST BEEN SO DESPERATE FOR THE ATTENTION OF YOUR FRIENDS BUT THEYVE ALL BEEN BUSY WITH THEIR OWN ROMANTIC AFFAIRS AND THEIR OWN BUSINESS AND YOU MISS JOHN WHOS YOUR BEST FRIEND BUT HE PROBABLY DOESNT FEEL AS STRONGLY FOR YOU AS YOU DO FOR HIM AND YOUR GIRLFRIENDS OFF MAKING OUT WITH A GUY YOU HATE AND YOU JUST WANT SOMEONE TO LISTEN TO YOU RAP AND HANG OUT WITH YOU
BUT NOPE CANT HAVE THAT YOUR BROS DEAD AND DIRKS DIFFERENT AND WHAT IF HE DOESNT WANT THAT
HOW AWFUL MUST THAT BE
AND DIRKS GONNA BE EXPECTING THIS HERO THAT HE CAN IDOLIZE BUT INSTEAD ITS JUST THIS KID WHO DOESNT THINK HES A HERO AND WHO MUMBLES TO HIMSELF AND JUST
WHINES
STRIDERS

okay im done goodbye world im gone

BONUS JOKE POST:

i thought about just posting the link to this video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eo_gJwXxshQ but decided thatd be a no go

How To Select a Writing Topic

Here I am, writing yet another last minute blog post, which are particularly difficult to remember on long weekends like this one. However, coming up with something to write about is a task far more challenging, especially for a student that only writes in response so prompts, which guide me in a direction of what to write about. The first major step of choosing a writing topic is writing down the first few ideas that pop into your head. After that, cross out the stupid ones, because they’re bound to be there.

Next, select one that you think you can write about extensively. Ok so now you’ve selected a topic, great, how do you start? Start by clearing your mind of all things other that your topic. The way I do it is I listen to music, and analyze the lyrics in context to my subject, in order to encourage thoughts that are related to what I’m writing about. So, this brief blog should get you started on  Tema Libre in Spanish Class, but as far as writing a quality piece of writing, you’re on your own on that one.

How to embarrass yourself in public

I always thought I lacked talent in every way possible; my mom can tell you the difference between federal blue and midnight blue, my dad can play an entire song by ear after one listen, and my brother can procrastinate better than anyone else out there. Don't even try to challenge him.

For years, I felt as if I was left out in the dark, naked without an ubiquitous talent. However, that is now a thought of the past. High school has shown me that I am, indeed, a talented woman when it comes to embarrassment and awkwardness. If there's an off chance you think I'm super rad and want to emulate my existence, here's a how to on being the most embarrassing version of yourself that you can manage (or, at least, that I managed.)

1. Wear shoes that have no traction so you can freely slip on the school floors when it's raining. Do not make eye contact with Mrs. Barbour when you fall outside of her office.
2. Forget traffic rules and decisively stand at the crosswalk outside, taking minutes to decide if you're really supposed to go or not. Acquire several honks and loud yells in the process.
3. Become comfortable with making the most unattractive faces possible, then unknowingly make said faces at teachers during lectures.
4. Go through puberty 24/7 and let your voice crack in every conversation.
5. Accidentally bump into bands of ferocious African-American women in the hallways and enjoy the pursuing shouts of harassment. 
6. Slip on dog puke in your bathing suit, break your elbow, and have your grandfather and his business partner dress you and get you to the hospital. 
7. Mispronounce your own name during a meeting with administration at a college you're interested in going to.
8. Plead for the man across the gas pump to pump your gas for you because your father never taught you how.
9. Set an off-putting R&B tune as your ringtone and let your phone ring persistently during class. Don't worry, the only people that call you are numbers that have your cell phone after you participated in a Grassroots campaign. All they want to do is constantly tell you that they'll never vote for Barack Obama, even after the November election.
10. Order vegetable fajitas at a Mexican restaurant, then proceed to run into the waiter on your way to the bathroom. Embrace the grease stains that will magically appear all over your shirt, pants, and shoes. Wear your third degree burns as badges.